Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
