Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
