I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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