if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I am puke
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
