i already hear my dad disowning me
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
