I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
