i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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