I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
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