i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
