We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
This house was built for laser tag.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
