you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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