my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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