You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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