I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
