My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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