My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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