had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
