whats a polygalesbian?
lesbian polygamists..duh.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Randomize
