At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
