we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
