Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?