In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I had to cum in my sink.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
