does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
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