He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
