apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
my poor anus
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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