I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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