if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
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