My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize