Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
