I want to make a zoo with you.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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