I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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