sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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