The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
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You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
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There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
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