First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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