i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
