i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
