By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
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He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
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I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
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