Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
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