suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize
