Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Randomize
