My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
