Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
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