one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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