Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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