FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
