Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
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