So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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