just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
