I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
