Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
