I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
