shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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