Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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